


My Comfort Book

by sunshinehyuck



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 01:12:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14008944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinehyuck/pseuds/sunshinehyuck
Summary: Donghyuck has depression and all Mark wants to do is make it go away.





	My Comfort Book

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags carefully to avoid triggers!

Mark and Donghyuck were on a Sunday brunch date.

Mark smiled as he watched his boyfriend enthusiastically eat his pancakes. Donghyuck was wearing a light green hoodie that matched well with his newly dyed light orange hair. He looked a little tired, but he was glowing. Mark always said that Donghyuck was his sunshine.

“Hey, Hyuck, what’s your hoodie made of?” Mark asked.

“I don’t know, hyung,” Donghyuck answered between mouthfuls. “Cotton, probably.”

“No, it’s boyfriend material.” Mark corrected him with a straight face.

Donghyuck picked a berry off his pancakes and chucked it at Mark. “Shut up, you’re so embarrassing.”

Mark smirked and started digging into his waffles. “How’s the food?”

“It’s the best, hyung!” Donghyuck perked up. “You always pick the best restaurants.”

Mark grinned at that. “And what about you? How are you doing?”

“Oh, you know,” Donghyuck hummed, stealing a bite of Mark’s waffles. “Here and there. Ups and downs. But right now, it’s an up. School’s fun.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Mark said. “I miss seeing you around at school, but if you like your new school that’s all that matters.”

Last year, Donghyuck had transferred from the local high school to an arts school. Arts school was perfect for Donghyuck, who lived and breathed the arts. He was a vocal major at his new school, because he liked singing best. Mark swore Donghyuck had the voice of an angel, and Mark had even learned guitar just so that Donghyuck could sing along.

“Hyung,” Donghyuck said, putting his fork and knife down, “if you miss me now...think of this as a preview. You’re going to college next year.”

“I’ve already been accepted to the local community college,” Mark reminded him. “And that’s where I plan on going.”

“Mark..”

“And then when you go to college, if it’s far from here, I’ll transfer somewhere near you. Maybe even the same college.”

“I don’t want you to structure your future around me _,”_ Donghyuck frowned. “I don’t want to hold you back or anything.”

“You and I are a package deal, Hyuck,” Mark said firmly. “Now let’s stop talking about college. How’s your school play coming along?”

Donghyuck broke off on a tangent on how the boy playing the Beast didn’t even care about singing, and all the boy could do was act. “He tortures my ears,” Donghyuck complained. “They only cast him because he’s a senior. Next year I’ll probably get the main role.”

“Of course you will, baby,” Mark agreed fondly. The nickname made a blush rise to Donghyuck’s cheeks, even after all this time. “You’re the most talented person I know.” _Whipped_ , as Mark’s friend Jeno would tease him. Mark had a habit of gassing Donghyuck up 24/7, inflating his already somewhat large ego.

After their brunch, the two worked on their homework in the park, because they were _responsible_ kids. They ended up chasing each other around, lying in the grass sharing a pair of earbuds, and taking naps.

“I’m so _happy_ ,” Donghyuck declared as the two of them drove home after sunset. “I love you, hyung.”

Mark felt himself blush and took one hand off the steering wheel to intertwine his fingers with Donghyuck’s. Days like these were Mark’s favorites. Days when Donghyuck was happy.

 

* * *

 

Then, there were days when Donghyuck was...less happy.

One afternoon, Mark picked up a call from Donghyuck and all he could hear was crying on the other end.

“Hyuckie, baby? What’s wrong?” He asked worriedly. Mark had been comfortably watching TV at home, but at the sound of Donghyuck’s voice he picked his car keys up from the table, ready to drive wherever he was needed.

“M-Mark,” Donghyuck sobbed. “I ordered lunch but the place m-messed up my order. It came late and I’m only eating l-lunch now and it’s 4 pm. I was so hungry. And n-now I only have 5 minutes to eat b-before I have to pick Dongwoo up from soccer practice.”

“Oh, Hyuckie,” Mark said. “I’ll pick your little brother up from practice today. Why don’t you stay home and eat your lunch, okay?”

“Are you sure? I’m sorry to b-bother you so much. You don’t have to.”

“It’s not a bother at all,” Mark said. “Don’t worry, baby. And you know it’s fun for me to spend some time with Dongwoo.”

Donghyuck had breakdowns every now and them. Some were over big things. A late lunch seemed like a small problem to get upset over, but Mark knew the lunch itself probably wasn’t the problem. Donghyuck had a habit of bottling up his feelings, and sometimes all it took was a late lunch order to tip him over the edge into tears.

Mark went to pick Donghyuck’s little brother up from soccer practice. When they got to the house, Mark went upstairs and knocked on Donghyuck’s bedroom door. “It’s me,” Mark called.

“You can come in,” Donghyuck croaked.

Mark walked in to see Donghyuck lying in his bed, just staring up at the ceiling. Mark pulled up the covers and climbed in with him. Donghyuck slowly crawled into his embrace, tucking his face into Mark’s chest.

“I’ve got you,” Mark said comfortingly, running one of his hands through Donghyuck’s hair. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Donghyuck shook his head. “It’s just been a tough week. I don’t even know why.” Tears started leaking from his eyes and Mark gently brushed them away with his thumbs.

“That’s okay,” Mark kissed his forehead. “You look tired, baby. Just try to get some rest. I’ll make you some food for dinner later.”

“But you can’t cook,” Donghyuck protested. “My dad will be home soon. He can cook for you too.”

“You want me to stay for dinner?”

“I want you to stay forever,” Donghyuck joked sleepily.

“I want you to stay forever too,” Mark whispered in his ear as Donghyuck drifted to dream world.

 

* * *

 

 

Donghyuck couldn’t make eye contact with his mom. He stared up at the fluorescent white ceiling. He missed his pale yellow ceiling and silk sheets at home already. He also missed Mr. Fluffy, the teddy bear Mark won for him at a carnival some years ago.

“Donghyuck, sweetie, do you want to call Mark?” Donghyuck’s mom asked him.

A tear spilled down Donghyuck’s cheek, followed by several more. All of a sudden Donghyuck’s vision was blurry again. _Mark_. What was he supposed to say to Mark? He’d disappointed his boyfriend yet again. Mark was going to be furious and upset with him.

“Don’t cry,” Donghyuck’s mom patted her son’s head. “Shhh, sweetie. You’ll be alright.”

“C-Can’t,” Donghyuck shook his head. “I d-don’t know h-how I can talk to M-Mark. He doesn’t de-deserve this.” _I don’t deserve him. Or anyone._

 _“_ Would you like me to talk to Mark?” Mrs. Lee offered next.

It was the cowardly thing to do, and Donghyuck knew it; he nodded anyway. He closed his eyes. “Please do it outside,” he said.

His mom looked at him hesitantly, but nodded and gave him a faintly reassuring smile. She looked so tired. “Don’t worry, love. It’s going to be alright. You’re going to be alright.”

 

* * *

 

 

Mark woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. Groaning, he rolled over and checked the time. 7:35 AM. Who was calling him so early on a Saturday? He did a double take when he read the caller ID: Donghyuck’s Mom.

Mark cleared his throat and pressed _Accept Call_. “Hi Mrs. Lee,” he said, trying to make his voice sound bright and awake, like he’d already been up for a while.

“ _Mark_ ,” She responded. “ _Are you at home right now?_ ” Mark blinked.

“I am, has something happened?” Mark sat up straighter.

“Oh, Mark,” she breathed out. “It’s Donghyuck. We’re at Severance Hospital.”

“What?” Mark’s voice sounded distant to his own ears. He clutched onto the phone more tightly and his chest clenched at the same time. “What do you mean? Is he okay?” He put the call on speakerphone and quickly pulled on a hoodie and sweatpants.

“Donghyuck tried to take his own life last night,” she got out and started to cry. “With pills.”

The room started spinning around in Mark’s vision. “Is he..?” _T_ _ried. That means he didn’t succeed, right?_

“They pumped his stomach,” Mrs. Lee told him shakily. “He’s fine. He’s awake now.”

Mark staggered to his closet in autopilot mode. He grabbed a duffel bag and tossed in a few spare outfits. How long would he have to stay in the hospital with Donghyuck? There was no more time to waste. Mark slung the bag over his shoulder and started running down the stairs. It was only when he reached for the door handle that he realized how much he was shaking. He couldn’t drive like this. He wouldn’t be useful at all as roadkill.

“Mom!” He yelled, bursting into his mom’s room. “You need to drive me to the hospital!”

“Mark? What on earth is happening? Are you okay?” Mark’s mom sat up in bed, looking bewildered.

“Donghyuck’s in the hospital,” Mark got out, and that was all that it took for him to start sobbing. “We need to go to him, now. I need you to drive me, _please_. He tried to...he...”

“Oh, my God.” Mark’s mom quickly got out of bed and got changed. “Let’s get in the car.”

Mark couldn’t stop crying as he sat shotgun in his mom’s gray Honda. “Why?” He whispered. “ _Why?”_

 _“_ Poor thing,” his mom said. “Oh, poor Donghyuck.”

“How could he do this?!” Mark yelled suddenly, slamming his fists against the dash.

“Mark. We’ve talked about this before,” his mom began. “Donghyuck’s...”

“I know,” Mark said. He tried to take a deep breath but he felt like there was no oxygen to inhale. “Donghyuck’s sick. He’s been sick for a long time. I know how to deal with it most of the time...but _this..._ he’s never done this before and...”

“Mark, honey,” she said. “Just try to understand him. Or if you can’t, just be there for him. He’s safe now. You need to be strong for him, okay?”

Mark wiped his tears away with his sleeve and nodded. His mom was right. He had to compose himself for Donghyuck.

 

Finally, the car pulled up to the front of the hospital and Mark got out. He hadn’t been in a hospital since he broke his arm playing basketball two years ago. Donghyuck had been with him the whole time. They rode in the car together while Donghyuck held Mark’s good hand and told him bad jokes to make him laugh. After, once Mark’s arm was encased in a blue cast, they’d gotten ice cream together.

Mark sighed. If only he was the one hurt this time. He walked quickly up to the receptionist’s desk. “I’m here to visit Lee Donghyuck. He was admitted last night.”

“Lee Donghyuck.” The man behind the desk repeated, typing into his computer. “He’s on the fifth floor, Room 518.”

Mark thanked him and walked to the elevators. _Stop beating so quickly,_ he silently scolded his heart. _Hold it together ._

The elevator door opened onto the 5th floor. He needed to see Donghyuck. He started jogging down the hallway until he stood in front of 518. Mark knocked lightly on the white door. He thought Donghyuck’s mom would open the door, but instead a weak voice called out,

“Come in.”

Mark opened the door and immediately made eye contact with his boyfriend. Donghyuck was propped up a little in the bed. He had an IV in his arm but other than that he wasn’t wired up to much. What terrified Mark was how tired and pale Donghyuck looked. He had never seen the younger boy looking so worn out. Still, he was so beautiful to Mark. Mark let out a deep breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Other than the bed the room was empty, except for a chair with a jacket on it and some bags on the floor. Donghyuck’s mom must have gone out, either to the hospital cafeteria or maybe to their house to get clothes or something.

Mark crossed the room to Donghyuck’s side in two steps. “Hey, baby,” he said softly.

Donghyuck opened his mouth to respond but said nothing. Instead, he closed his eyes as if it pained him to look at Mark. “I’m sorry,” he rasped. “Hyung, I’m _so_ sorry.” Mark’s heart sank.

“No, no,” Mark said. “Don’t be sorry. You don’t have anything to apologize for.  _I’m_ sorry.”

“Why would you be sorry?” Donghyuck let out a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sob. He still refused to look at Mark.

“Because I wasn’t there,” Mark answered, taking Donghyuck’s hand in his. “I didn’t realize you were getting bad again, Hyuckie, and I should have. I was dumb and useless, again.”

“Please stop,” Donghyuck whispered. “I’m the one who’s hurting you.”

“I’m fine. I’m just. I’m just so glad you’re okay,” Mark managed to say. “Don’t worry about me at all. I’m just gonna be by your side, always. We’re gonna get through this together.”

Mark stayed with Donghyuck for the rest of the day. Donghyuck’s mom came back within an hour and talked to Mark privately outside of the room, about how Donghyuck would need to stay in the hospital for at least a week. Mark worked up the courage to ask what he couldn’t ask Donghyuck: the full story.

Mrs. Lee broke down as she told him how she woke up to Donghyuck’s younger brother screaming. She ran to find him in the bathroom trying to shake Donghyuck awake. The older teenager was lying on the floor with two empty pill bottles next to him.

“It’s hard to overdose on antidepressants,” she cried. “He knew that. He took his antidepressants and then found my sleeping pills from my room-he must have taken them earlier. The combination almost killed him. I thought we lost him, Mark.” Mark hugged her and rubbed her back. As hard as this was for him, he knew it was just as bad or even worse for Donghyuck’s mom.

Mark went to the bathroom and sobbed until he had no more tears left. There was so much he wanted to ask his boyfriend. _You won’t do it again, right? Do you wish you succeeded? Did you ever think how Dongwoo would’ve felt, finding you like that? Did you ever consider how your mom...or I would feel? What if Dongwoo didn’t find you in time? How do we make sure this won’t happen again? How can I make sure you won’t ever leave me like this?_

But Mark knew he couldn’t ask these questions, especially not now. So he pulled himself together and went back to Donghyuck’s room. The younger boy was growing sleepy; he just looked so exhausted and small.

“Why don’t you take a nap?” His mom asked him. “Your therapist is coming to talk to you in a few hours.”

“You should get some rest, baby,” Mark agreed, reaching out and pushing a few strands of hair away from Donghyuck’s face.

“Okay,” Donghyuck said. “I’m very tired.” Mark kissed his forehead and Donghyuck closed his eyes. In minutes, he went to sleep. Mark watched his boyfriend; he looked so peaceful, for once. Mark had never felt more distant from Donghyuck than he did now. He couldn’t shake the feeling that this changed everything, and they could never go back to exactly the way things were before. Mark felt helpless.

“ _I’m not easy to love_ ,” Donghyuck had said to him two years ago, when he’d first told Mark about his depression. But Donghyuck was wrong, so wrong. The act of loving Donghyuck was easy. It was the most natural thing to Mark in the world. He didn’t know how to  _not_ love Donghyuck. He’d loved Donghyuck from when they were kids. Looking at Donghyuck meant loving him. When Donghyuck fell apart in his arms and stained his shirt with tears, Mark loved him. When Donghyuck stayed in bed for 48 hours straight, Mark climbed in under the sheets with him and loved him. When they fought and yelled at each other and Donghyuck fled from Mark and locked the bathroom door, Mark banged on the door and cried in worry because goddamn, he loved him.

And every Monday for the past two years, Mark wrote Donghyuck a long letter and put in Donghyuck’s locker, to remind him of how much he meant to Mark, and how much Mark loved him.

Looking back, Mark started to realize that maybe he’d also done all these things because he was afraid. He was always trying to prevent something from happening. He didn’t know what it was then since he didn’t allow himself to think too much about it. But he knew it now; he knew it as cruelly and clearly as day. Mark had always been afraid the depression would beat Donghyuck, and steal him away from Mark.

 

* * *

 

After Donghyuck had physically recovered, he was moved to the children’s psych ward to be monitored for at least one week. Mark hated the sound of that: psych ward. It sounded like an asylum, like Donghyuck was insane. But his boyfriend wasn’t crazy, he never was. Even when he stayed in his bed all day, or screamed and threw things, or cried for seemingly no reason. Donghyuck wasn’t crazy; he was sad. And that hurt Mark, too. As much as he tried, it seemed like there was nothing he could do about Donghyuck’s sadness in the long term.

“Daisies, daisies, perched upon your forehead,” Mark sang to Donghyuck as he played the guitar. They were sitting on chairs in the hospital lounge waiting for their couples therapy session. Part of the mandatory inpatient treatment at the hospital was to have joint therapy sessions with the significant people in the patient’s life. This ranged from parents to siblings to lovers.

Mark had taken a trip home to pick up his guitar; playing the guitar was always something that brought them together. Mark would play and the two of them would sing together, or sometimes Donghyuck would sing to Mark.

“Oh baby, lately, I know. That every night I’ll kiss you’ll, you’ll say in my ear, oh we’re in love aren’t we.” It was just Mark singing today. Donghyuck was quiet. He’d been mostly quiet the past few days. Right now he was staring out the window and Mark was wondering what he was thinking. It was okay that Donghyuck was silent. He just hoped that somehow the music would make Donghyuck feel a little more comfortable, a little more at peace.

He was halfway through an acoustic version of “Baby” by Justin Bieber when he heard Donghyuck. At first his voice was quiet and rusty, but the two briefly made eye contact and Mark nodded at the younger encouragingly. Even though it was lulled and emptier than normal, Donghyuck’s voice was the most beautiful in the world to Mark.

When the song ended and Mark started a new one, Donghyuck didn’t join in this time. Instead, he gently clearned his throat, making the other stop playing.

“What is it, baby?” Mark asked gently.

“How are you doing, hyung?” Donghyuck says, and it’s a question Mark never expected to hear. Not in this hospital. Not when the focus was on getting Donghyuck better.

“Hyuckie…”

“I’m serious,” Donghyuck insisted, meeting Mark’s gaze without turning away for the first time since he’d arrived at the hospital. “You look so tired. I know this is hard on you. It’s my fault. You should be at home getting rest, but you’re stuck here having to go through  _couples therapy_ with me.”

“No,” Mark said sternly. “Stop worrying about me. This isn’t about me. Besides, it’s important for me to do this with you.”

The therapist opened the door to her office. “Donghyuck and Mark?”

The two of them stood up and followed her into her office. The woman looked like she was in her 60s, and wore steel-rimmed glasses and a stiff smile. She shook hands with both of them.

“You must be Mark,” she said to Mark. “I’m Dr. Choi. I’ve already met Donghyuck.” She sat down in a leather chair and Mark and Donghyuck sat in the two chairs facing her. Mark noticed the tissue boxes next to them.  “So,” Dr. Choi said. “Donghyuck told me you’ve been dating for three years.”

Mark nodded. “Three years and two months.” He wondered how much Donghyuck and Dr. Choi had already talked about their relationship.

“It’s quite a long time, for two teenagers. I take it you’re in a rather intimate relationship.”

“Three years of dating isn’t that long when it comes to me and Donghyuck,” Mark responded. “Because we’ve been friends for almost eleven years now.”

“How did the two of you meet?”

Mark let his memory take him back to the neighborhood playground.

 

_Mark was seven. He had just moved to Seoul, and he didn’t have friends yet. It was the beginning of the summer and his mom took him to the playground to try to make friends. Back in Canada, Mark’s neighborhood playground was huge and had five swings. But this playground only had one swing, and another boy was using it._

_“Can I take a turn on the swing?” Mark asked him politely. The boy looked about his age and was wearing a floppy sun hat._

_The boy eyed him disdainfully as he kept swinging. “No, I’m still using it.”_

_“But you’ve been on it for so long now. That’s not fair! This playground is so dumb. Seoul is so dumb.”_

_The boy slowed down the swing by skidding his feet against the ground. He cocked his head at Mark. “No, you’re dumb. You talk funny.”_

_“I’m not dumb! I’m just not that good at Korean yet because I’m from Canada. We just moved here.”_

_“Oh. That’s cool, I guess. What’s your name?”_

_“I’m Mark.”_

_“That’s a weird name. I’m Donghyuck.” The boy finally brought the swing to a complete stop. “Here, I guess you can have a go. Since you’re new.”_

_Mark got on the swing and started pumping his legs._

_“Don’t be sad, Mark,” Donghyuck said as he watched the other boy._

_“What?” Mark called back from high in the air, perplexed._

_“You look sad. Don’t worry! I’ll teach you to speak properly. This is your new home now so you have to learn well, okay?”_

_“I don’t need your help,” Mark retorted. “Plus...Canada’s my home. I...miss it. And I miss my friends.”_

_"I'll be your friend,” Donghyuck gave him a toothy grin. “Maybe this doesn’t feel like your home yet but it will soon!”_

_It turned out that Donghyuck was right._

_The rest of the summer was spent at the playground, at Mark’s house reading comic books, or at Donghyuck’s house eating his dad’s delicious food and watching TV._

_Their families took them to the beach together at the end of the summer. They built sandcastles and played in the waves. As they splashed each other in the water and Mark and Donghyuck laughed at each other, Mark thought: this is home._

 

“I liked Donghyuck before I even realized I did,” Mark admitted as they continued to comb through their relationship’s life story. He looked at his boyfriend, who was fidgeting with his hands. “I think I was...fourteen when I admitted it to myself. It took me a whole year to confess though.”

 _“_ Why did it take a year?” Dr. Choi asked.

He chewed on his thumbnail, thinking carefully. “Donghyuck’s friendship was... _is..._ everything to me. We’re a year apart so we were never in the same class, but that never stopped us from being best friends. We always found time to hang out. I didn’t want to...lose our friendship. If I confessed and Donghyuck didn’t feel the same way about me, our friendship would be awkward.”

“Well,” Donghyuck spoke up. “I felt the same way. So when hyung asked me out, I was so happy.”

A vivid memory flashed through Mark’s mind, making him smile.  

 

_“Donghyuck, do you wanna watch a movie and get ice cream?” Fifteen year old Mark asked Donghyuck one day as they walked home after Donghyuck’s first day of high school. His palms were sweating._

_“Yeah, sure.” Donghyuck nodded._

_“Is it okay if I pay for both of us?”_

_“What?” Donghyuck laughed. “It’s more than okay, hyung, but why?”_

_“Uh...because...I was wondering if it could be... more like...a...um….d-date?” Mark choked out, his cheeks turning hot. “I mean...only if you want…”_

_Donghyuck beamed at him. “You’re so cute, hyung. And yes, I want to go on a date with you.”_

 

Dr. Choi consulted her notes and Mark was jolted back to reality when she spoke to them again. “So you dated for about a year before Donghyuck became depressed, when he was 15.”

“I was diagnosed at 15,” Donghyuck corrected her. “But I think the depression started some months before that.”

“To be honest,” Mark said. “I remember..only a really short period of time dating Donghyuck before his depression.”

“And what was that like?” Dr. Choi questioned.

“Since we’d just started dating, I was still kind of nervous around him,” Mark admitted. “I remember butterflies in my stomach.”

Donghyuck choked back a half-laugh, surprising Mark.

“Go on,” Dr. Choi prompted Mark.

“Uh, okay. Well, we used to go out more often. To the movies, to the park, stuff like that. We also used to hang out on weekend mornings a lot. These days, we sleep in a lot more.”

“ _I_ sleep in a lot more,” Donghyuck corrected, and Mark shrugged. It was true.

“But,” Mark mused, “not much has changed. I still try to make Donghyuck go on dates with me, get some fresh air. I mean, there are days he needs to stay at home or be alone and I get that. But I try to keep things as...normal as possible. Other than that...well...I guess we used to play around more. Like tease each other and stuff. We’d kind of be mean to each other.”

“Like normal teenagers. Now, he treats me like glass,” Donghyuck interrupted him. Mark let out an indignant splutter.

“Mark cares about you a lot,” Dr. Choi told Donghyuck. “Any other changes between the two of you since Donghyuck’s diagnosis?”

Mark thought back to the day he found out about Donghyuck’s depression.

 

_Donghyuck sat Mark down soon after Mark’s 16th birthday. Donghyuck had turned 15 a few months ago._

_“Hyung,” Donghyuck said. “I want to tell you something.”_

_“What is it?”_

_“I know you’ve been worried about me lately. I wish you wouldn’t worry so much.”_

_Mark blinked at his friend, scanning his face. Donghyuck looked so different these days than he used to. His eyes didn’t have the same shine and he shrunk in on himself more. Mark could just tell something was wrong. He felt his eyes tear up._ Dammit Mark, don’t cry _. “I...I can’t help it,” Mark managed, trying to blink back the tears. “I’m not just your boyfriend, I’m your best friend and I know you too well. I know you’re...not happy anymore. You don’t smile like you mean it. I don’t know why or what I can do to help but I hate it. I just want you to be okay again.”_

_“Hyung.” Donghyuck interrupted him quietly. “I want to tell you the truth about what’s happening to me. I have depression, hyung. I know...I’m not easy to love. So I need you to know it’s okay...it’s okay if it’s too much for you. If I’m too difficult.”_

_“No,” Mark interrupted Donghyuck this time and wrapped him in a tight hug, vigorously shaking his head. “I’m always going to be here for you, Hyuck.”_

_That night, Mark went home and searched “Depression” online. He printed out countless articles and ordered books on Amazon. He asked his mom for advice, since she was a psychology professor. Determined, Mark started to learn everything he could about Donghyuck’s mood disorder, so that he could be as supportive as possible._

It had never been enough.

 

“Please,” Mark said, and he didn’t know if he was asking Donghyuck or Dr. Choi, or both of them. “Help me be a better supporter. I want to be better. I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed you, Hyuckie.”

“No,” Donghyuck said quietly. “Do you know what I mostly feel these days? It’s guilt. It’s not new. I feel it everyday for some reason or another. Mostly that I’m such a burden and I hurt everyone I care about. Nothing’s your fault, hyung.”

At this point Mark would have interrupted Donghyuck to argue with him, but then he realized that wasn’t what therapy was about. Mark was here so that he would have to fully listen to what Donghyuck wanted to say for once.

“I know you think it doesn’t make sense, that I feel that way. Well, to me, it makes no sense that you feel like you’re not enough for me,” Donghyuck continued. “Mark..you’ve been there for me from the beginning. You’ve been  _more_ than there for me. I’m so grateful for you. But  _I'_ _m_ the one who’s fighting with depression in the end.”

“You’re doing a great job being there for Donghyuck,” Dr. Choi agreed, facing Mark. “But you can’t be the knight in shining armor who magically saves him. Your intentions are good. But if you think you alone could make everything right, it almost belittles the struggle Donghyuck goes through everyday. It ignores how powerful depression is. Does that make sense, Mark?”

All of a sudden, Mark’s eyes were flooded with tears. The words he was hearing made perfect sense, but they were hitting him at his weakest spot, driving at his worst fear. His fear that there was not much  _he_ could do to protect Donghyuck. That he would have to keep watching the person he loved most suffer, while he stood by helplessly.  He furiously tried to blink back the wetness in his eyes. “I understand. I’m sorry, Donghyuck. I didn’t mean to demean what you’re going through. It’s dumb of me.”

“It’s okay, Mark.” Donghyuck reached out and patted Mark’s hand. Mark stifled a sob at the contact; it was the first time Donghyuck had touched him since his attempt. “Don’t be sad.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Hyuckie.”

“I want you to know,” Donghyuck looked him fully in the eyes, “that depression’s powerful but so am I. I’m working on the guilt thing. And... I also feel hopeful. Underneath it all. No one I love has given up on me yet. So I shouldn’t give up on myself, either.”

 

* * *

 

Mark woke up at home the next day and realized that it was Monday. He needed to write his weekly letter to Donghyuck. He got lined paper and an envelope from his desk and started to write.

When Mark came in to the hospital 11:30, Donghyuck’s mom was there as well.

“Mark!” Donghyuck’s mom embraced him. “Donghyuck’s still having lunch, but we should be able to meet him in five or ten minutes. Don’t you have school, today, lovebug?”

“I do,” Mark said. “But I have to give this to Donghyuck. It’s really important.” He showed her the envelope.

Mrs. Lee’s eyes sparkled and she put her hand to her mouth. “Of course,” she said. “Your weekly letter!  And what a coincidence. I was bringing Donghyuck some of his favorite stuff from the house today, you know, to decorate his room a little and cheer him up.”

She rummaged in her tote bag and pulled out Donghyuck’s teddy bear and a few framed pictures. Donghyuck and Dongwoo were in one, the whole family in another, and Donghyuck and Mark in another. Mark looked at the one of him and Donghyuck with a lump in his throat. Of course, he’d seen the picture many times before because it was on Donghyuck’s desk. It was of the two of them as little kids, at the beach during the summer they first met.

“Ah, here it is,” Mrs. Lee said, pulling out a white binder and handing in to Mark. Donghyuck kept all of his schoolwork in white binders, lined up neatly on his desk when he wasn’t taking them to school. Mark thought it was a bit soon to make Donghyuck catch up on his school assignments already. Mark frowned in confusion as he saw the cover. He hadn’t seen this before.

It was covered in doodled red hearts and sparkly stickers. **MY COMFORT BOOK** was scrawled on the front in Donghyuck’s handwriting. Mark flipped the binder open. It was full of paper in protective plastic sheets. He looked at the first page in shock.

 

_Dear Hyuck,_

_This is the first letter in a series. You can expect a letter like this in your locker every week. From your best and only boyfriend :P_

_Hyuck, you smiled for real today. It wasn’t that big or long but I saw it peek out a little. During gym, when you got me out in dodgeball. I was annoyed at you at first but then I saw you smile, so I was okay with it. More than okay with it._

_Love,_

_Mark_

 

Mark started flipping through the pages in wonder. It was a thick binder. There were over a hundred letters there from the past few years, all carefully preserved. Donghyuck had kept every single one. He felt a warm glow in his chest.

“Uh...hi guys…” a voice piped up from behind them and the three quickly broke apart to see Donghyuck standing in the hall next to one of his nurses. “What are you…”

Donghyuck caught sight of the binder in Mark’s hands and leapt forward with a yell. “What...how did you... _mom!”_ He snatched the binder from Mark and hugged it to his chest, blushing furiously. “You weren’t supposed to see that,” he told Mark, barely looking him in the eye.

“Why not?” Mark teased him, not trying at all to hide how pleased he was.

“It’s embarrassing,” Donghyuck whined.

“Oh shut up,” Mark said. “If you’re embarrassed that you’re whipped for me, think of it this way. I’m the one who’s been writing you a letter every week. It’s hard to get more lovesick than that."

He tentatively opened his arms to Donghyuck and the younger boy passed the binder to his mom so he could step into Mark’s hug.

“You’re such an idiot,” Donghyuck said as he ran his hands up and down Mark’s back.

“I know,” Mark agreed.

“You should be in school,” Donghyuck continued.

“Fuck school,” Mark said. Donghyuck’s mom cleared her throat behind them and Mark let out a surprised cough. “Right! Sorry, Mrs. Lee. School is great. Go school!”

Donghyuck pulled Mark around the corner for some privacy. “So, I’ll be out of here in two days.”

“Sounds great,” Mark said, staring lovingly at his boyfriend. “Do you feel ready?”

Donghyuck thought for a few moments, then nodded. “Yeah. This place is nice in some ways...it’s like the real world is on pause. The real world is a lot to deal with. But mostly, this place sucks. I want fresh air.”

“Do you feel like your time here was...useful?” Mark asked.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck nodded. “Since things move slower here I was kind of able to think clearly about things. And _t_ _alk about my feelings_ ,” he rolled his eyes at that, “a lot. The people here also helped make a new plan for me.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m switching my medication. My doctors are gonna monitor me carefully, and if I don’t feel better then I’ll try another medication. I’m gonna keep up looking for that one...happy pill that really works for me. Oh, and I have therapy twice a week now. I mean, it’s probably not going to fix everything. But I’m...hopeful.”

Mark smiled at that. “Alright, Hyuckie, I should probably get to school now. But here, this is for you.” He pressed his weekly letter into Donghyuck’s hands.

“You remembered,” Donghyuck said, a look of amazement passing through his eyes. “Is that why you came today?”

Mark grinned at him. “When have I ever forgotten a letter?”

“Can I read it now?” Donghyuck asked.

Mark shrugged, putting his hands in his pocket and ducking his head shyly. Donghyuck opened the envelope.

 

_Dear Hyuckie,_

_You wanted to leave this week. Things have been really hard on you. I know it’s difficult for you to get through each day. But I’m so glad you’re still with me._

_When you said you were hopeful that you would get better, I felt happy and proud. But that’s nothing new. You make me happy and proud everyday. Hyuckie, the world without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless._

_To be honest: I’m still scared of losing you. I think I’ve always been scared. I used to want to ask you to stay for me. But I realized that I wouldn’t want to be the reason why you stay. I want_ **you** _to be the reason. I want you to get better most importantly for yourself, and not anyone else._

_And I’m hopeful, too. Hopeful that one day, all your smiles will be real and your world will gain color again. I know it’s hard to wait but I believe that day will come. I love you!_

_Mark_

 

“Hyung,” Donghyuck smiled. “You’re so cheesy. This is borderline too cheesy.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Mark grumbled, hiding his own smile. He pulled Donghyuck closer and looked at his lips, then his eyes, asking for permission. Instead of giving permission, Donghyuck leaned in and pressed his lips to Mark’s.

“You make me weak and I hate it,” Mark said after they stepped back, fireworks exploding in his chest.

“I do,” Donghyuck agreed. “You’re head over heels for me and it’s _adorable_.”

“So, tough kid, I guess you can add that letter to your ‘Comfort Book’.”

“Shut up!”

 

* * *

 

Two days later when Donghyuck was discharged from the hospital, Mark picked him up in his car. “Hey, hotshot,” Donghyuck smirked as he got into the passenger seat.

“Hey, beautiful,” Mark said. “Ready to get out of here?”

“Yeah, I’m hungry.”

“Let’s go get some food then.” Mark turned onto the main road and Donghyuck rolled his window down, letting out a joyful whoop as Mark sped up.

The radio was blasting some song about being young and freaky. Donghyuck knew the song and was belting along. At that moment, listening to his boyfriend’s beautiful voice and feeling the cool air, Mark was reminded of how young they really were and how much time they had to live. Mark thought to himself: _this is happiness._

 

 

Donghyuck let his arm hang out the window of the car. It was a beautiful day. He turned to face his boyfriend in the driver’s seat. Mark was smiling. Really smiling. He looked carefree, like the weight of the world wasn't on his shoulders. Donghyuck hadn’t seen him look like that in so long. He felt the familiar throb of hope and love in his chest. Donghyuck thought to himself: _this is happiness_.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! I hope you enjoyed this fic.


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